Friday, September 19, 2003
Too Funny
I’ve had a lurker on my blog for a little more than a month now. I know who this person is and I have to say, it’s killed my desire to write anything. But here’s the funny part. My kids and I have been doing an Angel fest over the past few days. Jess has both seasons on DVD and insisted that I watch this show. I’ve never really seen Buffy and it’s difficult to get my attention for any tv show, but if it would make her happy, I figured, I’d give it a chance. Besides, it was a great opportunity to make a diagonally knit baby blanket for Melissa’s upcoming baby. Over the weekend we watched several episodes, in order. We fell in love with Doyle, was sad when he….oh, I don’t want to ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it. So far my favorite episode is I fall to Pieces. It is a classic. My favorite scene (there are sooo many, but if I had to pick) is the one where Angel thinks about dancing at Cordy’s party. The whole experience has proven one thing to me: some of the best things I’ve learned, I’ve learned from my kids. Okay, so back to the lurker…in the spirit of vampire/demon slaying, I posted the last photo entry on my blog. I’m not even sure what moved me to do it but it seems to have put a stop to the lurker. Maybe it’s because it’s a cross. Or maybe it’s because it’s because I stalk burned out fire scenes for photo Ops. Either way, hasta la vista, lurker.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Slipping Through My Fingers
This was taken earlier in the year at the site of a multi-car fire. Sometimes a picture, even one that is 5 months old, is still a more effective means than 1000 words.
Jennifer @ 11:27 PM link
Thursday, September 11, 2003
My New Plan
I've decided to dedicate myself to being an underachiever. I'm going to try really hard, really apply myself, and see if I can do it better than anyone else.
Jennifer @ 11:05 AM link
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
It's my blog and I'll write if I want to
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how and why people form relationships. My understanding has risen to an entirely new level. The downside of this new information is that I can spot an impending train-wreck of a relationship at 50 paces. This isn’t making me a very popular person to consort with. In my experience, in order for most people to fall in love, they begin with a construct of perfection. When they meet someone that sort of fits that construct, they take the few small bits of info they do have and fill in the rest of the blanks to complete the picture. This usually lasts for about 6 months before the actual facts/reality rise to the surface and the Hurts and Disappointments begin to bruise things. The reason that the construct is necessary is because there are two faulty underlying beliefs. First, there is the erroneous belief that perfection means being without flaws. I don’t think I would ever want to have a relationship with a perfect person. That’s an awful lot to live up to. Besides, it makes me look like a slob. What I’m really interested in is a relationship with the perfect person for me. Now what that means exactly has been observed to be a moving target, depending on when I last ate and how much sun I’ve been getting…but that’s another story. The second erroneous belief is that there is something or someone outside oneself that will make it all better, or at least, make it better than it is. That’s right, it sucks right now, wherever you are. Pretending that it doesn’t will just frustrate you. I recently heard that frustration comes from the disparity between expectations and reality. So let go of the expectations of airbrushed perfection and things don’t seem so awful (but I digress). Most of us have this belief that there is something outside of us, a person, a thing, an experience, that once we have it, everything will finally be okay. Somewhere inside, you know it’s not true, but that doesn’t seem to stop you from pursuing the American solution of Eat, Drink, Shop, F**k. Take a pill, damnit! It will all be better. If you’ve fallen for this solution a couple of times, you may have convinced yourself that the reason it hasn’t worked in the past is because you did it wrong. You bought the wrong dress. Dated the wrong guy. Got the wrong job. Let me clue you, that’s not what’s wrong. It’s you, it’s all your fault. And this is the one thing that we’re all so busy trying to avoid. “What do you mean, it’s all my fault?” Well, guess what, there’s always going to be a better dress, a better guy, a better job. You may or may not get them. But you can be happy now. Or not. Your choice. Okay, so back to the relationship thing…if your walking around with that vague dissatisfaction with your life and you’re sure it will all be okay as soon as you lose ten pounds and meet the right person, you are creating your relationship out of a place of need. You need this person as living proof that you are lovable just the way you are. But it can’t work. For one thing, you don't believe it yourself, despite what you tell your friends. Also, you’ve just anointed your beloved the keeper of your happiness. If he/she goes away for a week or two, or does something supremely stupid or insecure, your self-esteem has a great chance of getting punched in the gut. You’re always thinking on some level, 'is this the day that he looks at someone else?', 'Is this the day when she realizes I’m a putz?' It’s a lot of pressure and guess what else? All that worrying is a definite happiness stealer. The next part, and you knew there was a next part, is that you will always attract to you a person who is a reflection of who you are. So if you’re needing someone to establish your lovability, you’ve just attracted someone who is also insecure. Not that insecurity is a bad thing, but… Whenever you establish a relationship to get a need met, that will be exactly the thing that will end the relationship. Guaranteed. I’ll give you an example. Imagine a woman who wants to have a life full of all the finer (material) things but doesn’t earn enough money to acquire these things for herself. So she marries a man who desires her and treats her like a queen. He's thinking he's gotten a great deal because her beauty is proof positive of his masculine power. So he gives her gifties and trips, but she still feels just a little bit dissatisfied inside. He sense this and notices she's put on a few pounds. Nothing like pointing out the shortcomings of others to distract people from your own flaws. Eventually, he’ll get a little tired of being reminded that as much as he provides, it isn’t quite good enough. And she'll get cranky that he doesn't seem to love her the way he used to. So he finds it more comfortable to be at work talking to his secretary than he does being at home. She grows lonely and dissatisfied. Maybe she takes a lover. The next thing you know, she’s divorced and trying to cobble together a living selling Mary Kay makeup and he’s constantly being reminded of just how much older he is than his 25 year old secretary. You see my point. This is what’s making it difficult for me these days. I can see the places where people are creating reactive relationships, and by this I mean creating relationships to get away from the pain they are in and trying to avoid. It’s just like reading a mathematical equation. If you add a negative number to another negative number, you get a bigger negative number. So what to do? I actually have an answer. The thing we’re all running from is our pain at where we find ourselves unlovable. It’s a pretty excruciating pain, and it can really wear you out if you focus too much attention there. The trick of it is to stop trying to run from the pain. Turn on your heels and walk right back into it. This doesn’t make any sense, you’re thinking, 'pursue pain???' Well, I didn’t really say ‘pursue’ it. What I mean is be in the pain and figure out how to use it, how to take the enormous energy of it and use it to create. Notice I did not say, 'dwell on it, feed it, make it grow.' All the pain really is, is information about where your next adventure lies. One night I was alone after an extremely painful breakup of a relationship. I had index cards posted all over my dining room wall as part of a piece I was writing. They were single sentences that were, according to me, indisputable truths (meaning I learned them from my own experiences, rather than from books or movies, etc.). I had to choose 10 or so photographs to show as part of a group show and I sat there going through hundreds of prints. Everything looked like crap to me. I was getting nowhere and really beginning to get sick of the inner voices which reminded me that my photos were wretched and pathetic. I sat at the dining room table thinking, what’s the use? And I stared at the cards on the wall. "At least I know some things," I thought. All of a sudden I had this crazy urge to wreck the organization of the cards and pair them up with different photos. During this process, my misery morphed into a state of play which lead me deeply into a state of creative bliss. You know that state, the one where you lose all track of time? This is my point, get to know your pain. Don’t fear it. Recognize it as a useful season, one where you can retreat from all that forward motion the world demands from you. Keep yourself armed with documented facts of places and ways where you are lovable, then crawl into your hole, cry a few salty tears, and comfort yourself with the toys of your choice. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, there’s no pressure to create anything, because no matter what happens when you’re hiding in your cave, it’s a step up from the needy and desperate pursuits of the people pretending that happiness is the only useful or normal way to be.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
And she has a sense of style
The conversation was about freedom and commitment. I pointed out that most people believe that by avoiding commitment they have maintained their freedom. I told her it seems illogical, but the opposite is true. “Imagine going out for dinner,” I told her. “And I asked you, ‘what would you like to eat?’” “It doesn’t matter,’ you tell me, but you’re really thinking about how much you would enjoy Chinese food. So I decide I want pizza. ‘Is pizza okay?’ I ask.” “Sure,’ you tell me because you’re okay with whatever I decide, even though you kind of want Chinese. By not having or committing to your opinion, you permitted me to make the choice for you, thereby handing your power over to me. Viola! You’ve lost your freedom.” Jessye looked at me for a while, thinking about what I had said. “So in order to be free, I have a responsibility to commit to expressing my opinion.” I am very grateful to share my life with such a wise child.
