Monday, June 30, 2003
The Fun Stops Here
Not really, it's just that I'm back at work, only a little late due to a doctor’s appointment for daughter #1 (she’s fine but needs some blood work done). Boss has apparently left for 3 (?) week vacation. I thought he was leaving after July 1st, but from what I can gather, he brought his luggage to work on Thursday and has fled the country. I do expect him back sometime before August, but no one seems to be clear about the actual date of his return. Does anyone else work in a place like this? My office is much as I had left it only there’s been one change. The computer in pieces on my desk has been put back together. The new hard drive installed and working, but it wasn’t configured to do anything. Spent the day either in a confusing meeting or staying out of the way of ITGirl. By the end of the day, Black Screen Of Death was replaced by happy shiny XP but without any of my favorite programs (no IM, no paint shop pro, no ftp_le, no kazaa, no nada). ITGirl has cautioned me that an empty hard drive is a happy hard drive but I find that hard to believe. Now I know what it must have been like for the early settlers.
Friday, June 27, 2003
On an Island
I'm on MV for the weekend with my daughters and I just finished writing about our fabulous lobster dinner on Menemsha with my parents...Dad has a Mac and I'm not used to the Blogger interface so I lost my post. The kids are grumbling because the want to go to Bunch of Grapes (the bookstore) so I'm not going to try to reconstruct. I'll post again (already have pics of note) but probably after the sun goes down.
Jennifer @ 2:26 PM link
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Never mind
When I worked with R, every time the internet connection failed, he would be near tears. "My Baaaa!!!" he'd cry, imitating a baby wailing for his bottle. It made him nervous and uncomfortable. I laughed at him. Now I understand. When I got to work today, the three-way light bulb in my lamp wasn't working. Never mind. Powered up, logged on. Everyone happy. Synced the pda. Checked the mail. Surfed here, then there, then...THE BLACK SCREEN OF DEATH!!! I don't know if you've actually witnessed the BSOD, but if you haven't, you'll have to take my word. It's pretty unnerving. Ctl/Alt/Del. Black screen. Power on/off. Black screen. It's like one of those bad existentialist novels where nothing happens and you can't leave. Never mind. I thought I would do actual work except my actual work happens to be on the network. ITGirl isn't in until tomorrow so I spent the afternoon... You're not going to tell my boss, are you? Oh, no. Not likely. He wasn't in the office until 4pm. I managed to write a number of pages (pen, ink, long hand). I told D, no work, no boss, no three-way light bulb. No net access, no computer...all they have to do is take my chair and I'll be spending eight hours a day standing in a dark room alone. Lucky for me I am easily amused.
Jennifer @ 10:40 PM link
Making My Head Hurt
Despite what Blogger says, I posted the previous post around midnight Monday. And to clear up any confusion, the title of the post and the title of the drawing are in no way related. When I read the two so closely juxtaposed sentiments this morning, even I was confused. So try reading it this way: title is for M; and to the voice in my head (except those productive few that actually give me decent things to work with) SHuT UP! I aM WorKInG oN My fuTuRE. P.S. Janet! Sunshine! I've heard about this stuff. Maybe I saw it on the Discovery channel. Got the sand chair in my car and my Swiss Army knife. Life can be very good sometimes.
Jennifer @ 8:02 AM link
Monday, June 23, 2003
KisSEs tO A BOy iN DEeCeE
M said that maybe I'm exactly where I need to be. I've always know he is unusually smart. I'm trying to make the most of my circumstances, and I did some writing today that was fun. My original inspiration came from the wonderful creator of this artwork, Sam Brown, at explodingdog.com. I find myself deeply affected by the emotional content of his figurative work, particularly I love when I wake up and you are beside me.
Jennifer @ 11:33 PM link
Sunday, June 22, 2003
The Possessive Form
There is no reason to be posting this picture. I took it in April and didn't bother to become interested by it then. It's still not all that intriguing, but it is a picture and this is my blog, and it's still Sunday, so what the heck.
Jennifer @ 11:59 PM link
Friday, June 20, 2003
Links A-Go-Go
Another day in communication wasteland. A couple of returned phone calls and I find myself sitting at my desk, staring blankly into my Friday. Reminds me of Blindness, which I would be continuing to read if I could come up with a way to make it look like I was actually working. I’ve begun the usual round of blog reading and I happened upon artomats. I’m a big fan of atomic/retro stylin’ as it reminds me of the 1965 World’s Fair,Howard Johnson’s in it’s heyday, and the happyshiny way I saw the world before I wised up. I think what I liked so much about the Jetsonesque feel of the early 60s, is the sense of promise and hopefulness with which it looked toward the future. If we can freeze entire meals in aluminum foil trays, it’s just a hop, skip, and a rocket ship to put a man on the moon.
Jennifer @ 11:34 AM link
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Things to Do At Work When You're Bored
It’s pretty slow going here. The school is having its graduation. Partners in crime N and C are out today. D is out of email range. M is on vk. Could have written more of my great American novel. Or maybe I could have…I’m not sure. My bills are paid, checkbook balanced, hard drive (both desktop and PDA) all nice and tidy. Ended up spending an inordinate amount of time adding audible.com to my pda. I downloaded Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is free and (very importantly) unabridged. I was toying with the idea of joining, and I still haven’t made up my mind. It will depend upon whether I have the time and inclination to listen to books. The one thing that is weighing heavily on the plus side: all the Terry Pratchett Disc World books are available unabridged. My enthusiasm about this even has me worried.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
What was the first thing?
The second thing I understood yesterday is that deep down inside each of us is space -- nothingness. I know this isn't a new concept, but I experienced it a differently yesterday as I took my walk in the woods. The fear of this space is the original pain from which each of us suffers. It is the fear that at our deepest part, there is nothing there. John taught me that if you can hold still for a moment and stare right into the core of your fear, you will usually be surprised just how unscary it is. The confusion begins because we are afraid that if at our deepest part there is nothing, that means that we are nothing, and nothing is a bad thing. This is so terrifying that our first reaction is usually to go outside ourselves to get something. Eatdrinkshopf*ck, are common answers. Our lives become the pursuit of these and as a secondary result, we need to create the elaborate support systems to 1)ensure our ability to continue to go outside ourselves and 2) to clean up the messes we’ve created by going outside ourselves. What if we stopped going outside ourselves? What happens? Well, first the motion from the previous actions continues for a while. There is still the excess weight, confusion, bills and tattered relationships when we start holding still. And it is difficult to hold still because we are so conditioned to avoid this at all costs. The supports systems for this new behavior is not yet in place. The first feeling is of excruciating pain. The pain is the fear of this unknown nothingness and the horror that it is true. Next comes the sadness for all of the damage inflicted on self and others as a result of having going outside ourselves for identity, truth, substance, whatever you call it. This period can be long and very painful. I believe it is the state often referred to as the dark night of the soul. While in this state, I had the desire for it to be over. I thought that my life will be okay, much better in fact, as soon as the sadness and regret ends. After a period of time, I had the deep realization that the pain and sadness never end. This is the flavor of being human. It is an acquired taste. I found that I could look back on an earlier time in my life and taste its sweetness easily. Yet I distinctly recall how unhappy I thought I was in the actual moment. It occurred to me that I had separated the elements of the experience. The bitterness was all in the present and the sweetness resided in the past and in the future. But what if I allowed myself to taste more fully right now? The flavors become more complex, more ambiguous and difficult to pin down. Good and Bad as concepts become irrelevant. The present moment becomes a rich and complex mélange to be experienced. The desire to keep it longer than necessary fades because though experience comes the knowledge that in the next moment is another concert of experience. And what of that nothingness inside each of us? Maybe it is just my dinner plate.
Jennifer @ 5:17 PM link
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
The Path of Self Discovery is Littered with Quizzes
You are 72% geek
You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you'll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you're a technical geek, you'll be able to afford it, too. If you're not a technical geek, you're geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don't date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You'll constantly try to out-geek the other.
P.S. It's about time that I give credit where it is due. I read Donna's blog often and it is from there that I find myself spun off onto the twisted sites of others.
Jennifer @ 11:24 AM link
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Six Things To Make Me Smile
Jen at theworkingmom.net came up with the idea of taking six pictures of things that made me smile this weekend.
I thought it was a great idea, especially since it coincided with Anita's Birthday Road Rally... The party ended at Greg and Bob's house which is beautifully decorated with sangria and 'atomic cocktail' curtains. There was a themataic 'road rally' cake and bullet holes in many of their windows. The people with the most right answers and the best time came in first place... Did I mention Deb and I WON?!?
Finally getting around to last weekend's pics.
Jennifer @ 9:41 PM link
Friday, June 06, 2003
Cremaster Cycle
Last weekend, M and I went to NYC and took in the Cremaster exhibit at the Guggenheim. We spent hours there, watched the 5th movie, took a coffee break, talked about it, and then went to see the Malevich exhibit. I've had a lot to say about this show (and have talked to anyone who will listen during the last week). My father sent me this which my stepmother said makes her feel vindicated. Regardless of whether you loved it or hated it, I doubt there was a person who left after the encounter without an opinion.
Jennifer @ 8:19 AM link
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Building My Confidence
I have a job interview this afternoon and I'm really looking forward to it. When I asked Alle if she thought I looked presentable, she said I did. This is the ensuing conversation: Alle:So what is the job? Me: Behavioral Specialist at the school. Alle:What does that mean? What do you have to do? Me: Well, it means that I'm like an aide to the teacher. If there's a kid that needs some extra attention, I would be there. Alle:So basically you keep the kids in line? Me: Yeah, all I have to do is yell at them when they misbehave. (Me, looking as scary as I can be.) Alle:Oh Mom, you won't be very good at that job. Me: What do you mean? I yell at you all the time. I'm pretty good at it I think. Alle: No, you really aren't. You think you yell, but you really don't. You mostly talk to us. Me: (Looking sullen and contemplating my failure...) Alle:It's okay, Mom. I mean it as a compliment. I can only hope that they actually want constructive support in the classroom. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.
