I moved into his reality, accepting it as if it were my own. It made sense for me to do this. I felt how he feels as he moves through his world. He wanted me for this. I didn't understand why, I just went along for the ride. Later, when I was home in myself, I bristled at the parts of his world that clash with mine. I understood why he needed me to be there. "Is my universe alright? Is it as magical as necessary?" He didn't understand the headache it gave me. He's never been to my world. He won't even let himself imagine that it exists. Why would I want to have this adventure? I have never invited anyone into my country. I am not usually home.
Jennifer @ 7:40 AM link
Sunday, September 22, 2002
What if the only thing that ever really happens between a man and a woman is that they learn about love together? By virute of our different genders, we cannot be the same. And in that space where the differences exist is the place where each of us can explore just what it is about ourselves that we have not yet been able to accept. I remember thinking that Ernesto had the interesting gift of placing the nightmares and fears of others on a platter for them to see. I was (am?) afraid of loving someone who I can't trust, of making my relationship something so important in my life (maybe making it my life?) only to find out that I am not being met with equal enthusiasm. And somewhere in this sordid adventure with E, I realized that truly loving anyone begins with me being in the center of myself and seeing who meets me there. He can go to the parties with the girls from the coffee shop, have dinner with the fawning grad students. It's just some place where our lives don't touch. No more, no less. Whether his predilicition to surround himself with sycophants means that he is insecure, doesn't love women, or is an alien being, really isn't my concern. My concern is how do I find my place of bliss, protect and grow it. This is an interesting place to be. But aren't they all?
Jennifer @ 9:06 AM link
Friday, September 20, 2002
Long time time, no blog...went to Madison, WI last weekend and fell in love, with the city that is. The people were nice, the food was superb (Loatian restaurant was off the charts), and four-star video...really, it was a beautiful thing. In other news, I had my first Tai Chi class last night. Watching my instructor Rich practice the short form was incredible. His body didn't just catch the flow, it became the flow. Then I understood and I was really excited about the prospect of moving deeper into that experience. Rich only taught us a bit of Qui Gong and then a few moves from the beginning of the short form, but I felt a greater sense of peace than I have felt in the last two weeks. It even carried over into a trip to the dreaded Kmart (they didn't have what I needed and I skipped the checkout line which increased the chances of my maintaining my blissful state). The whole thing got shot in the ass as soon as I had an instant message exchange with Ernesto. There is no way I can pretend that I don't know how disruptive his presence is to my happiness. But I'm glad I know now... In what I hope are my final words regarding this adventure (the Ernesto debacle), I would just like to state for the record my complete amazement that people (Ernesto) would continue to populate their lives with second-rate, second choice experiences. Like what's up with that??? I don't believe that everyone doesn't know there are better options or that they are at choice, but by all appearances, I am wrong. C'est la vie. And so another adventure in my love life comes to a squeaky close. And as always, I'm sure the next time will be better. :)
Jennifer @ 3:40 PM link
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
I had an interaction today that has really given me pause. I found myself in a conversation where I had been hoping for a certain outcome and it wasn't going the way I had desired. In the conversation, I was being told that the reason things weren't going that way were, in effect, my fault. I felt sad and upset by this and wanted to make it right. Now, a couple hours later, I find myself disturbed. Really, the outcome that I wanted was for it to go a certain way effortlessly, not as a result of me jumping through hoops and proving myself. Enjoying the process was part of the desired outcome. I feel pretty saddened by this development, but at the same time, I can see that this is a very important lesson. I always need to be able to walk away. I'm stunned that this is what I will have to do, but I know that by further pushing against the tide, I'll be in for rough sailing.
Jennifer @ 3:22 PM link
