Back from my weekend away and having all the usual reentry problems. I showed up for work looking like I've stayed awake for the last three days. I feel worse. The summer is coming to a screeching halt. Tomorrow is our company picnic. Wednesday is the first day of school. I just keep scanning the horizon looking for a break in the action (an opportunity for a nap). The weekend was intersting as always. It was great to see Sara. And things with Rebecca finally seem to have found their own level (which is comfortable for me). Sara and I spent Saturday night in Newburyport making the requisite trip to Al Bums to scout the used cd bins. I have just gotten a fresh crop of music that I haven't quite absorbed yet so my motivation to acquire more was at a standstill. Just as we were leaving the store, I spotted the new Coldplay in the new cd bins. It isn't supposed to be released until this tuesday (8/27). I held it in my hands trying to make sense of this reality. Ultimately I decided to stop asking the questions and just buy it. It turns out that it's the Canadian release, and I'm glad I found it because it added an interesting and comfortably familiar atmosphere to Chiara on the ride home.
Jennifer @ 7:50 PM link
Thursday, August 22, 2002
Deb spent Tuesday night at my house and transformed Alle and Olivia's room from a walk-in dumpster into an actual bedroom. I was stunned at what she accomplished, but then again, she usually amazes me.
The endocrinologist's office left me a message at the house yesterday. The doctor has looked at her bloodwork and has decided that it is not an emergency and she does not need to be seen until October or November. I think the pediatrician was concerned because the bloodwork was not normal, but the endocrinologist has seen enough cases where this is "normal" for a pre-adolsecent girl whose thyroid acts up.
I spoke to R yesterday. I guess I was hoping for some love and support as I rode the waves of my fear. She asked, "How do you feel about what you've done?" (she meant to help the situation). "I've done everything I know how to do." She didn't really say anything after that. I felt horrible because deep down I'm always afraid there is more I could have done, that maybe I'm lazy or just too stupid to know what it is. This has nothing to do with R, but I felt horrible none the less. R also made some comment about looking at our family dynamic. I became worried that Alle is getting sick because I'm the one whose thyroid freaks when the stress level amps up and Alle's just relieving me of this burden. That's not what I want. But then again, I don't think that either of us really need to get sick.
Ernesto is still in China. I won't hear from him for at least a week longer. I know the timing is perfect (I'm getting the mountain of work before me done), but if I could tell him anything right now it would be, "Come home!!!"
Jennifer @ 8:38 AM link
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
So freaking out today and trying really hard to keep it under control. In June, as Alle was leaving for the Vineyard, I just felt like something was wrong with her. I put my hand on her throat and felt her thyroid. It was diffusely enlarged. At the time there was nothing I could do, and she felt fine, so I sent her off with my parents and decided to take her to the pediatrician's when she came home. While she was on the Vineyard, my parents decided to take her to the hospital for bloodwork. She had a sore throat and they mentioned to the ER doctor my observation of her goiter. He did the usual thyroid work up (without antibodies). His determination was that there was definitely something wrong, but he was comparing the blood levels to the normal ranges of an adult, not a pre-adolescent girl. I had a copy of the blood work faxed to the peditrician's office. They knew he was comparing it incorrectly so they called the endocrinology clinic at yale and had a consult with Dr. Rivkies. He told Dr. Fanella that he wanted Alle to have a complete thyroid work up in the end of July, including antibodies, and he wanted to see her in the end of August.
Fast forward to the end of July...As Alle is leaving for vacation with her Dad, I took her to the hospital for the blood draw. The results came back when she was on vacation. I called Dr. Fanella, but he was on vacation too and Dr. Hack called me back. I brought him up to date and he suggested that we call Yale asap because her blood work definitely showed an imbalance and she should be seen. He tried to make an appointment for me, but they put him on hold and then never picked the receiver back up. I called the next day but was told that Dr. Rivkies needed copies of the bloodwork from New Milford. I set them up with phone numbers, etc. and agreed to call the next day to get an appointment. I called the next day, but they said they had to talk to the doctor and would call me later. They didn't. I called again on Monday (the next business day), but Kate said they just got the blood work late on Friday and the doctor hadn't seen it. Today, tuesday, Dr. Fanella called me to say that the blood work came back two weeks ago and he needed to talk to me. I told Dr. Fanella the whole story, all the phone calls, the doctors, Kate. He told me that although the blood work wasn't too alarming (TSH, T3, T4, etc.) the thyroid antibodies were at 70. I asked what the normal range is. He told me: 0.2. !!! So Marilyn at Dr. Fanella's is on the phone with Yale telling them that Alle needs to be seen by the end of August and they're telling her that she needs all this paperwork filled out. I looked at Alle's eyes, her lovely blue, almond-shaped eyes, and noticed that they are changing shape. I was so shaken I could barely move. And I don't want her to know how scared I am. I left Tim a message to bring him up to date, but he hasn't heard back. I won't tell my mother because she thinks every time one of them has a headache it's a brain tumor and I can't survive her paranoia right now. Deb is the only person I've talked to and I don't know what I would do without her. She's coming over after work with Julia to help me make Alle's room a safe place for her to be. I'm sure I've been this scared in my career as a parent before, but because I am in it now, it's so fresh and raw. Of all of the things that go on in my life, work, writing, friends, lovers, etc. the girls are my true life's work. Maybe I was losing sight of that. One thing is for certain, I haven't shut down emotionally. All my fear and pain and tears are right here, make no mistake about it.
Jennifer @ 3:21 PM link
Thursday, August 15, 2002
I posted yesterday, but some problems with the server at work posted it to the imaginary blog. I suppose it's just as well. Lots of things are moving through these days. I'm gathering my courage to admit, at least to myself, what it is I really want. I guess the reason I've gotten stuck in the past is because I believed that if I admitted what I wanted and then...it didn't come to pass, I'd feel bad, I'd be defeated, I'd be disappointed. To circumvent this, I would lie to myself saying, "It's okay. It doesn't really matter what I want." And then when my life circumstances reflected my feigned apathy, I'd get depressed. So here's my new stance: I'll be clear about what I want right now and just stop there. I won't go careening into the future, worrying about what if it never comes into being, and I'll just let go. I'll keep you posted regarding how it turns out.
Jennifer @ 8:25 AM link
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Deb and I have decided to host a WWF match between our ex-boyfriends. It will be the sleepy guys vs. the sexually confused guys. Everyone will be on the edge of their seats to see if the sleepy guys can stay awake long enough to keep their manhood intact. The promo material will read: Drowsy Dudes battle the Ambi-Boys. Don't miss the climax, it's a fight to the finish. Everyone's a Weiner!!! The sad part is that after all the reality tv shows, this might be just a little tame.
Jennifer @ 12:30 PM link
Monday, August 12, 2002
Driving to work today I was following a Chevy Malibu. Malibu. They named the car after a place that has nothing to do with unibody construction or rack and pinion steering. I understand the the place name is meant to imbue the car with an aura associated with the place. I am proposing a new generation of cars. Get rid of the made up Altimas, the Luminas, the Corollas. Let's have the real American cars: the Pittsburgh, the Minnetonka, the Bridgeport, and of course, the Detroit. These are real cars for real people, diet coke cans and cheerios on the floor, cd jewel boxes and beach towels in the back seat. I think its a beatiful celebration of our American reality.
Jennifer @ 12:34 PM link
Saturday, August 10, 2002
Kids are back from vacation and the level of chaos has returned to it's normal pitch. They have made me laugh and have made me yell. They've also made me cook, okay, well, not really cook. I reheated and also made tuna salad. I wonder what will happen next.
Jennifer @ 10:37 PM link
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
The subject that has been consuming most of my waking moments (and many of my sleeping ones) is not featured in this blog. I really like things to make sense and I'm coming to the conclusion that Pascal was right: the heart has reasons that reason cannot know. I spoke to R about it all today. I wanted to take a poll: do you think I've lost my mind? Yes/No. She was reassuring and helped me focus. R and D keep me tethered to the planet. It's really nice of them.
Jennifer @ 8:12 PM link
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
At the gym: I ran two miles, climbed one mile. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
Jennifer @ 2:01 PM link
Saturday, August 03, 2002
I wonder how much time I spend with strips of html floating around in my head or being thrown about by my fingertips. Worked on a page most of today only to realize that it's 2:30 and I've eaten a plum. Maybe it's time to go do something away from the warm glow of my screen.
Jennifer @ 2:29 PM link
Thursday, August 01, 2002
He once asked why my marriage ended. One hundred reasons filed though my thoughts. It was a movie that ended my marriage. That is the truth I am telling today. Like Water for Chocolate turned on a light that had grown dim inside me. I remember a love like that, one whose touch ignited my skin and hair and teeth and bones, one whose shadow comforted my soul. I used to say that in leaving, I had set my hair on fire. My presence on the planet had become a story told in shorthand. I was the wife, the mother, the one with hair the color of golden flame. Seen by eyes outside myself, I was a concept with purpose. Inside, I was a still space contained by the edges others' limitations. Communion with dancing light on a screen, a faint memory began wailing like a starving child. "Light a match!" and Whoosh! I had reduced all that was true about me to a gesture, a collision of action and moment that could not be contained.
Jennifer @ 11:38 PM link
He writes, "I do not commit suicide...because of the taste of tomatoes." There have been days when reasons escape me. I believe I will choose life because of the smell of tomatoes. I must thank him for the gift of this reason.
Jennifer @ 11:01 PM link
