Courtesy of Haloscan.com, I've added "comments" to my weblog. It is probably pretty pathetic that this has been the high point of my day, but I'm considering it to be one of those "freckles of happiness" and I'm glad for it.
A lot keeps happening and it looks as if nothing is happening. I guess it's a perspective issue. I finally have a version of my resume that pleases me. I think it is the right blend of my writing ability and my technical expertise. I've decided to set my sights completely on one particular job. I am still sending out resumes, looking on the web and in the paper. I don't think I'll stop doing that. But I've identified the single job I want right now and I'm comfortable with that. I'm not spending a lot of energy thinking about all of the other things having this job will preclude. That's new for me. I had an idea yesterday for a different kind of book I want to write. I am pretty clear about what it is I want to say, but it never felt quite right. I think the reason for that is that it was too serious. I wouldn't want to read that book. And if I'm going to write something, I would hope it would be something I would enjoy reading. The format is almost more of a comic book, maybe like a picture book. The main character is a slightly neurotic, but totally human, divorcee. I think there is a real need to create a picture of what single motherhood can be like that isn't in keeping with the usual stereotypes. But it needs to be a realistic picture. It's not all hot dates and great career moves. But that doesn't mean it has to be a tragedy or Bridget Jones Diary. We're not all getting drunk and singing at office paties. And we're not all trying to get married to have Super Second Husband save the day. I worked on it a bit this morning and I'm settling into it still. I think the reason I finally hit upon this approach is my realization that: life is generally painful except for a few glimmering moments of sweetness This realization set me free from feeling like I'm somehow doing "it" (life) wrong becuase I'm not deliriously happy and eternally grateful for every leaf that sprouts. I'm usually kinda cranky and disillusioned. Now, instead of being inept at having an Abundant, Joyful Life, I'm just normal. Miserable with freckles of happiness. Good. At least I know where I stand.
Jennifer @ 12:48 PM link
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
Trying to read Shop Girl by Steve Martin. I loved the book last night. Given my state of mind today, I'm not having as much fun. I keep scanning the horizon, searching for some sign as to when I stop feeling like someone died. Even Ben and Jerry didn't cheer me up. I keep trying to tell myself I've done the right thing. I want to have a relationship that is really about a sharing of experience between two people. I don't want one that looks like a relationship but is, in fact, just something that is trotted out when company is coming. Just wondering, if it is the right thing, then why do I feel so lousy? Deb says it's habit, and that could be likely. Ruth is coming to Dad's for dinner tomorrow night. She's decided to stay in Israel despite the dangers. I never know when I'll see her next and I'm looking forward to the adventure of our conversation tomorrow. I'm sure this should all slide into perspective for me. Ruth worries that her kids won't come home from school in one piece. I worry that for the rest of my life, I'll wake up wondering if R is okay.
Jennifer @ 8:59 PM link
Tuesday, July 09, 2002
It's been strange since Thursday. I've been beset by stresses which attack me like small flying bugs. They dive bomb around me, nipping at my skin, but when I turn to look them in the eye, they've darted into my periphery. I tried to do a very grown up thing, grown up for me anyway. I tried being specific about what I want, leaving the space for it to show, or not, and then take action. I listened to my head and my heart. My mascara ran. Tissues were used. And I'm still okay. I feel sad, and I like knowing that I've proven to myself that my dreams matter. We were talking about relationship stuff. He was all in his head, which is nothing new. I let it float there for the course of the conversation, gently taking my personal flotation device back to the place of feelings. He'd push against this current returning to the safety of logic and precedence. I decided to dive in and swim. I cried about the sadness I felt. Before his words, I felt his shadow hand tighten around my throat. My tears stopped, not because the storm clouds of pain had moved past me, but because the breath that kept this force of nature aloft was ceased. "I don't know why you go there. It has nothing to do with anything," he said. And then I realized something. Even over the thin wires of the phone, he had tightened his hand around my throat exactly the way he has done to himself since boyhood. "Boys don't cry," I'm sure he was told. All those feelings pushed down inside him with nowhere to go. Having me spilling tears might shift the plates inside him, causing a quake. How terribly unseemly. "I think I need the space to not hear from you," I said. He made me repeat it. I felt sad that another storybook romance mutated into a Lifetime Television Movie. I'm glad I took care of myself though. And I'm sorry he was proven to be right. He isn't very good at this, whatever this is. Life. Love. The pursuit of happiness. Maybe he'll learn how to improve his skill set by reading one of those books he has. I hope so.
Jennifer @ 11:31 PM link
Thursday, July 04, 2002
I've spent some time just absorbing the fact that some things equate. I've understood for a while that love = truth. I am also aware that truth = light. This morning I was moved to write down the pieces that I know are equivalents: love, light, truth, connection, energy. I played around with them for a little while, doing a sort of Kevin Bacon kind of thing. What evolved was: Love = Connection = Energy = Light = Truth. As I let these elements fall into their natural order I realized two things. First, there are five of them, the same number as parts of a wave. Second, the qualities that each element holds correspond with the energy of the position it holds on the wave. The parts of the wave can be expressed as: individuation, unification, integration, manifestation, transformation. There is something about this that makes me so sad when I read it. It isn't that I feel the scope of it's beauty. It's the same sadness that I felt when I was struck by the exquisite beauty of a bare spring tree branch set off against the grey March sky. It was a raw pain of experiencing perfection and being impotent to express the experience. All of this is about falling in love. Falling in love with the breathless rush of encountering the unknown, eyes wide open, heart pounding. It strikes fear in the hearts of most of us. It paralyzes. I looked at the antithesis of the waveform. Fear = Separation = (absence of energy, this could be depression?) = Darkness = Illusion. When listening to Stephen Hawking recently, he said, "all energy is positive". There is no such thing as "negative energy", just the absence of energy. At this point, the peak of the wave, energy that flows freely exhibits the qualities of integration. This is the process of selecting the elements to be included for the creative act. Fusion. The antithesis of this would be fission, "the splitting or breaking up into parts." This is fragmentation, the thing all decent psychotherapists spend their highly-paid hours trying to repair in their clients. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing with all this. There must be some more useful application than an abstract blog entry and moments of distracted interaction with actual breathing human beings.
Jennifer @ 10:00 AM link
